By Vida Poyner-Chillious
Howard University News Service
“A wish?” my 90-year-old grandmother, Elizabeth Chillious, asked on the evening of Dec. 8 after 20 lifelong friends and family members sang Stevie Wonder’s rendition of “Happy Birthday.” The first floor of our home in Maplewood, New Jersey, was filled with faces eagerly waiting for her response.
Throughout the celebration, Nana described her nine decades as a beautiful journey filled with moments from all parts of her life. Despite the joys, however, she has been experiencing feelings of sadness and loneliness like many of the “oldest old,” whose longevity often means that they witness numerous illnesses and deaths as they outlive peers and loved ones.
This can lead to late-life depression, which increases as people get older, growing from 5.7% for those over 60 to 27% for those over 85, according to a study published in the journal Neuropsychiatric Disease and Treatment in 2022.
“As people age, they are more likely to experience more periods of loneliness and isolation,” said Karen Haberman, M.D., a former physician at Maplewood Family Medicine, who has been my nana’s doctor for 15 years.
“Factors such as the frequent passing of different loved ones, lack of interest, hope, and declined mobility or vision can largely increase the chances of mental health conditions,” Haberman explained.
Looking Back
Nana was born Dec. 7, 1934, in Newark, New Jersey, to a single mother, Viola Davis Freeman, who passed away when she was 16. My nana eventually ended up in the Bronx, where she and William Jones decided to have a child as co-parents. Nine months later, she gave birth to my mother, Deidre Poyner, at 23.
After facing obstacles to secure housing for her and a newborn, she found her way back to New Jersey three months later. By 1969, Nana began working as an Educational Opportunity Fund counselor in the College of Arts and Sciences at Rutgers University in Newark.
Nana was in a 20-year marriage with Felton Chillious, whom she met at a Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) hall in Newark on a night out with her girlfriends.
“I was out with my girls, we were having fun and I just saw him,” she explained. “That was the same little simple hall we got married in, too.”
She became a stepparent to his two sons, and they purchased their first home for the family of five. In her first year as a counselor, student Josephine Simons shared her struggles with housing instability following her aunt’s passing and Nana invited Simmons to live with her. Three years later, the official adoption of siblings Michael and Kimberly Chillious completed the family.
“Mike and Kim needed help,” Nana said. “They were two young Black kids running through the streets when they could be using that energy for good — school, sports, activities to simulate their brains.”
After 26 years as a counselor, my nana retired in 1996 at the age of 62. Retirement shifted her focus deeper on my mother, me and my sister. She chose to become our legal guardian, because of the lack of safe public school options in Irvington, where my family lived at the time.
“I wanted to be there for Deidre and my grand babies,” she said. “Education has always been essential to me as a counselor. I wanted y’all to have the best.”
During the first 17 years of school, my sister and I spent weekdays at Nana’s and the weekends at home with our parents. My mother would come to Nana’s house every night until 11 p.m. to make sure our homework was done, and we were ready for school the next day.
In December 2017 after my nana turned 83, we moved into a home together in Maplewood. Nana described the beginning of that chapter as “a lot of change to my daily life.”
“My grand babies were older, and one was able to drive everywhere, and we all lived together so I didn’t have to do as much anymore,” she recalled. “Getting up and getting dressed only needed to happen when I had doctor’s appointments.”
Feeling Sad and Alone
Things changed for all of us after my father, Isaiah Poyner, passed away on July 30 after a short battle with late-stage prostate cancer. Without her son-in-law, my grandmother began expressing heightened discomfort with being alone in the home. Coupled with the loss of her great-niece three months later after a battle with pulmonary fibrosis, feelings of sadness started to emerge.
“Some days, I know I just need to talk to someone,” Nana said. “Only God knows how much time I have left on this earth, and I have been able to share my love with so many. I want to get help, but I remain cautious because you never know the motivation people may have.”
My mother, Nana’s primary caregiver, shared the hardships she experienced while grieving her husband for the past year and a half.
“I know why she’s uncomfortable in the house by herself,” my mother explained. “When he passed, she was all alone and had to wait over two hours for me as the house filled with the police and family members all over town. It wasn’t fair to her, but I find solace in her being here for his final passage.”
My mother described how grief isn’t “a straight path, but an everlasting part of your story.” In this next phase of their lives, my Mom and Nana are working to move forward together, striving for better days.
Dealing With Depression
Haberman expressed pride in my grandmother for continuing to make her physical medical appointments. My nana has also explored the option of therapy in the last few months, but hasn’t made an appointment to speak with a psychologist yet.
“I come from a much older generation,” she explained, “and even as a former counselor myself, I’m apprehensive about talking to someone about my issues and feelings of sadness.”
Despite the growing awareness of mental health in society, many people continue to express such hesitation in seeking therapy. For older adults, factors such as the stigmatization of age and misdiagnosis of comorbidities contribute to the gap in addressing mental health conditions.
The study on the elderly describes depression in older adults as often under or misdiagnosed, leading to under-treatment or inappropriate treatment.
For many of the “oldest old” like Elizabeth Chillious, the joys of life can be tinged with feelings of sadness and loneliness. Their longevity often means witnessing numerous illnesses and deaths as they outlive peers and loved ones.
“People with depression later in life present less with low mood or depressed mood,” Dr. Robert Maden, chief of psychology at Baycrest Health Sciences, a research and teaching hospital for the elderly in Toronto, said in an interview on “The Agenda With Steve Paikin” on TVO Today in Ontario.
Maden said that older adults “described more anhedonia, which means a lack of pleasure, an inability to have pleasure and a lack of interest.”
Improving the Quality of Life
Kaitlyn Taylor, a psychiatric registered nurse in Akron, Ohio, stressed the importance of geriatric psychiatry solutions to improve the quality of life for older generations.
“Options such as social support, therapeutic intervention and community-based programs can change an elderly person’s life,” Taylor said. “If you can find and afford a ‘good’ care facility, many older adults can gain their spark back in an environment designed for them.” As my nana contemplates therapy, she can lean on her circle of family and friends for social support in the meantime.
“I may be down as I’m entering my 90s and almost reaching a century,” Nana said, “but I could be in much worse shape at my age. I’m blessed and will continue to be until my last day.”
In describing her “beautiful journey,” my nana shared anecdotal stories from her childhood and adult life that shaped the woman she is today. “I can remember memories and stories from when I was 2,” she said.
On Sunday, she reconnected with her loved ones and students to celebrate life. Andre Brown, a 70-year-old retired mail carrier, was once Nana’s 17-year-old college student. She made sure he ate breakfast every day before class.
“I wouldn’t have the money or time to stop,” Brown said, “but if Ms. Chillious knew I didn’t eat she would say, ‘Boy you know you can’t learn anything without something on your stomach!’ and would always take the time out to make sure I was good, and I’m forever grateful.”
Old friends she hadn’t seen in 20 years came to her party and talked about memories while laughing and sharing how feisty and full of life she remains. After the cake was brought out, she began rubbing the top of her left hand, and she spoke about her birthday wish.
“I wish all of y’all love and joy and peace,” she said. “I thank God for the gift that he gave me, and I was able to recognize God put me on Earth to love all the young people that I could and help them become better people.”
Vida Poyner-Chillious is a reporter for HUNewsService.com.
